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Kennedy Airport, NY: Teacher Arrested

An individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested today trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said.

"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns'. We have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are three sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the president said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Research bits & bytes

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research!

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong!

The ten characteristics of bad research

• Ignore the problem and go immediately to the solution, that is where the profit lies.
• The budget is always smaller than the problem, hence more research is needed.
• Names are control variables.
• The aptness of the critique is directly related to the clarity of the presentation.
• Most of the research dealt with invention of the wheel.
• The respondents are to blame for undesirable results.
• A mistake is never admitted; rather, the error is extended.
• Progress is a function of the assumed reference system.
• Rigorous solutions to assumed problems are offered rather than assumed solutions to rigorous problems.
• The problems are only addressed in reflection.

More Cartoons

Enjoy the original artwork that shows that researchers and statisticians see the funny moments in their work (click on an image for a larger view)

A dictionary of useful research phrases

Some of the below originally appeared in a scientific journal article, written by: Graham Jr., C.D., (May 1957). Metal Progress. Volume 71, Number 5.